Let’s all be honest, I’m a rather boring person. I wear socks that match most of the time, I boil my pasta al dente for an optimal dining experience, and the last time I “cut a rug” was when I was trying to fit it into my dorm room. Just the fact that I use such an outdated and mundane phrase like “cut a rug” shows you how boring I am. Well, Ben Folds is also boring. He leads a boring life (actually, now he lives in Australia, where there are six hundred and thirty-two thousand creatures which can bite, spit, sting, and shock him to death, so I guess it’s not too boring, mate), and so do all his friends. The good thing is, Ben has an uncanny ability to take his and his friends’ actions, set them to catchy piano music, and make them seem very interesting. I need to be his friend. Even I could seem cool.

Ben Folds Five were the smart anti-rock stars of the mid-nineties. They looked at all those bands with big, noisy electric guitars and scoffed at them. “Scoff scoff scoff!!” they said, “I can be just as loud and obnoxious behind my baby grand, beeyatch!” And by god, they tried. I saw them twice in concert and the ivory was not just tickled; it was kicked, elbowed, head-butted, and had many a piano stool thrown in its general direction. They would do their best to play metal, in a self-mocking sort of way (buy Naked Baby Photos, their b-side album, to hear some of it, as well as a very interesting impromptu rap song), and songs like “Song for the Dumped” showed that if piano keys are played quickly enough, and are complemented with the use of the word “bitch,” you really don’t need electric guitars cranked to eleven to get the correct feeling of kick-your-ass rawk-ness.

However, a lot of people didn’t get it. First of all, try as they might, they could only count three members in the group. Hmm, maybe the other two were the guitarists, they would think. The band had a rather large hit (I say this because the video played on VH1 most of the time. Only with major rotation on MTV does it become “MEGA,” of course) with the song “Brick,” which at the same time became every true BF5 fans’ least favorite song. True stardom never came to Ben, Robert, and Darren, and nobody was really surprised about this. As always, if you’re incredibly talented but are too different and not attractive enough, lasting fame will pass you by (unless you’re Aperturius-his day is nigh!). They cranked out three albums, the last being the genius but completely misunderstood Unauthorized Biography of Rheinhold Messner, and then broke up to pursue separate interests. This left a major hole in the ballad/metal - piano - bashing - fuzz - bass - with - accompanying - orchestra - songs - about - my - friends genre of music.

Ben moved to Australia to get married and have twins (well, his wife had the twins, but, oh you know what I mean). Then he began to record the album that took me half an article to actually start reviewing, Rockin’ the Suburbs. With Ben’s new responsibilities as a grownup and a daddy, it seems to have mellowed his feelings towards the piano. There are many more ballad-type songs on this album, and those constant comparisons to Elton John and Billy Joel over the years are finally validated. However, I don’t think that either of those guys ever played their own drums or bass. Yes, save for the occasional violin or cello, Ben plays every instrument on this album, and rather well I might add. In fact, it rather sounds like Ben Folds Five never broke up and this could just be anotheralbum in their repertoire. If there were any difference, besides the increased mellowness, it would be that some of these songs are a bit more personal than past efforts. Songs like “Still Fighting It” speak directly to his kids, and the final song, “The Luckiest,” is the sappiest love song Ben has ever written, but not sappy enough to be puke-tastic. Song topics include a girl who waits for her boyfriend, a boy who plays a guitar to his new-age girlfriend in a music store, and a guy who buys some Preparation H. There’s not much excitement in these lyrics, folks. Hardcore fans will be pleased to hear more about Fred Jones, the guy with the worst life ever in “Cigarette” two albums ago, and if you’re a fan of Cake, you’ll be double-pleased to hear lead singer John McCrea’s voice on the new Fred Jones song as well. The catchiness factor of the new songs can be extremely, painfully high, however. The good thing is, great hooks don’t always lead to bad art, and the quality of the music and the interestingly boring stories Ben tells will keep you singing all day and make you want to finally get that copy of Piano for Dummies and do something productive with your miserable pathetic lives. I recommend it to any and all middle class white males. Beeyatch.

-Aperturius

Bottom Line:
4 out of 5 Monkeys!

What our staff thinks:
The Crocodile Hunter: Crikey! What a bloomin’ good album! I listen to it every time I wrestle 26 angry pythons in a pit of human blood! That is, mate, I listen to it every day! Crikey!

Andy Warhol: I don’t like boring people around me. Wouldn’t Ben rather write a song about how I peed on some of my Campbell’s Soup Cans and the price went up 500 percent?

Shameless Plug:
Barnes & Noble
Amazon.com
Buy.com

Other Resources:
BenFolds.com
BenFolds.org
BenFoldsFive.com