Welcome to the Monkeys vs. Robots Vampire Extravaganza!!! In this exciting installment, I will tell you all about David Bowie....David Bowie the Vampire!!! See the excitement?!!! It is indicated with many exclamation marks!!!!

Summary: The opening scene splices footage of Bauhaus singing “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, Bowie Vampire and Lady Vampire hooking up with another couple, and horrible howling monkeys tearing each other to bits. Wow, you can’t beat that. You really can’t; this is the best part of the movie...not to say that the rest is badtastic or anything, but I like monkeys and Bauhaus. I want more.

Sooo, Bowie Vampire is the latest beau of Lady Vampire; they spend all their time dancing, killing people and giving piano lessons. S’truth; that’s what they do the entire 1st half of the movie. They’re not your ordinary vampires, oh no, they don’t bite people. They stab them with little tiny knives. Points for creativity I guess. Unfortunately for Bowie Vampire, he finds that without human blood he ages rapidly (not so his girlfriend). He goes to the doctor (vampires usually never go to the doctor, that’s why they’re so healthy and live so long...like me), and here comes the side-plot.

Ahem...a group of brilliant yet silly scientists (including Susan Sarandon as Dr. Sara) have discovered that there’s a gene or an organ inside people that controls aging, so in order to study it they speed up or slow down the life clock of various monkeys. Rapidly aging monkeys die (what were you expecting assholes?), but when monkeys are made immortal, they become thirsty for MONKEY BLOOD! Vampire monkeys! The scientists debate killing the vampire monkey but, “That’s a $2000 dollar monkey you’re talking about.” Okay, enough about monkeys, that’s the last we see of them in the movie. Such an interesting premise, but it only lasts 5 minutes.

Bowie asks them for help, but Sara just thinks he’s a loon, so she sticks him in the reception area all day. Bowie waits and waits and his hair falls out and he gets wrinkly. By this time Sara realizes he’s actually ill, but now that Bowie is an old coot he doesn’t want any young whipper-snapper’s help. Logically Bowie asks his girlfriend to make him young again, but she declines to help him since he lost his looks. So what does she do? She seals him up in a coffin with the rest of her past lovers rotting away in her attic (it’s a big attic).

Lady Vamp is single and lonely (after Bowie has been dead all of 5 minutes), so she hooks up with Sara and makes her a vampire. I assume she made her a vampire because they had nasty dirty sex. Naturally Sara’ s husband does not approve of this turn of events. Being cheated on is one thing, but when your wife shacks up with the undead it’s time to put your foot down.

Long story short: Lady Vamp kills jealous husband, Sara flips out and all the ex’s stored in the attic escape and start breaking things. Sort of reminds me of the old HBO show Tales from the Crypt. Monsters, revenge, the undead. All the good things in life.

It is ironical that the ones Lady Vampire once loved ended up killing her. Or maybe it isn’t. I don’t even know if ironical is a real word.

Bottom Line: I’m biased; I am a Bowie-loving geek; so let me reiterate that this movie is definitely okay. It is not awe-inspiring and it will not change your life, but it’s nifty seeing David Bowie as a vampire. If you rent only one movie this year with David Bowie in it....rent Labyrinth. But if you’ve already seen that, watch this.

Three out of five monkeys!

What our staff thinks:

Bowie: I’m a rock start AND a movie star! And I slept with Mick Jagger! Sort of makes your life seem worthless by comparison, doesn’t it?

Resources:

Tribute site I stole pictures from
Bowie’s Wonderland
Bela Lugosi’s Dead

Ya got the wholw storey wrong, it’s all of a sudden no matter how much blood Bowie gets , he still starts aging. Seems it’s only his G/F who is tuley agless, because she is, one of the originals, and last surviving. All her B/F’s , hee heee, sometomes G/F’s, she isn’t picky, one live a few hundred years before they start to age. And the kicker is , they don’t die either, she just shoves them in coffins, and puts them in a shrine, where they can all chat for eternity!

A ever faithful Bowie flick Fan,
Sharon

DAVID BOWIE IS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!

Quite honestly, I thought the movie sucked after Bowie died.  I mean, the plot wasn’t all that great to begin with, but once Bowie died, it REALLY sucked.  Kind of like “Labyrinth”, a movie whose only good point was Bowie’s character.  I think “The Man Who Fell to Earth” is the only movie I’ve ever seen Bowie in that wasn’t only good when his hot a** was in it.

David Bowie rocks. He is one of the greatest singers of our era and an outstanding actor.I like Hunger very much and I agree that the movie kinda lost its flick after Bowie’s disappearance, but it’s the only realistic vampire movie I ‘ve seen.

Bowie I just have to say that you are the most cutest talented man that have ever lived. Wich is why i have done my research paper(for music class)on you. I have all your c/d’s and movies. my faorite is “Labyrinth” Is my favorite movie. and my fav song is “China Girl”