Finally, the greatest silent film with a midget ever: Lon Chaney & Joan “Wire Hangers?” Crawford in..."The Unknown.”

The Unknown is one of the eeriest, fantastic terrible movies ever made. The acting, the filming, and the music are all somewhat brilliant. For a silent film, it’s downright amazing. This is before big time special effects, before bad CGI took the place our beloved Muppets and all that. This is a real vintage classic. So, why pick on it?

Three words:

Cojo, the midget.

The Plot

A circus of freak performers enter town under a shroud of mystery. Somebody has been strangling shopkeepers and taking their money. (Might I suggest that people are getting extra-pissed off about this whole Windows XP thing) The circus goes on, though, because back in the day they didn’t cancel shows just ‘cause of pointless violence like they do in New York with the Ultimate Fighting Championship (suck my ass, Pataki). Besides, those shopkeepers probably didn’t want to live anyway. I mean look at Clerks; Those guys hated their lives.

Our circus performers include Lon Chaney as the amazing armless man. I know what you’re thinking, right? You’re thinking that you should have taken a dump before you left the house so you wouldn’t have to use a public bathroom. Well, tough beans. You also might be thinking that simply “being armless” is not a cool freakish superpower. But, you have to see what this guy can do with his feet.

Lon Chaney somehow learned to move his feet like hands for this movie. He’s incredible. He actually throws knives with his feet-on target. He smokes with his feet (hey, if you’ve adjusted to having no arms, losing a lung can’t be too bad), and he waves to the crowd with his feet. If you want to see some great acting, screw that Gladiator crap and see somebody who really did some work. It’s priceless to see Lon Chaney furrowing his brow or scratching his chin in thought all while using his feet just like hands. It’s amazing… and it’s real. No special effects. This man is a God.

I dare every one of you to try even half the crap Chaney does in this film. Go ahead, drink a cup of hot coffee with your feet. Go ahead, ash your cigarette and put it out in the tray. If you think it’s so easy, let me tell you… I’ve been wearing an ace bandage all the way up my left leg for the last two weeks on account of this movie. It’s all harder than it looks.

Our next, so-called freak is the STRONG MAN. Why does being strong make you a freak? Geez, if that’s what being a freak is all about, can someone bestow upon me freakishly handsome looks and a whole freak load of money to go along with freakish super-human strength? Was there some kind of stigma against the overtly strong back in the day? I’m glad we’re over that, or else we’d have never had those Conan movies. The odd thing about this strong man is that he’s puny looking. He’s got flabby arms and looks like he wears the same underwear size as I do. Yet, somehow, he’s the handsome lead. Girls, you could do better than this. I buy Woody Allan as the romantic lead before I’d believe this guy could get a chick who wasn’t a visually impaired regular at the bingo hall.

Of course, we have Joan Crawford, the lovely daughter of the evil circus owner. Of course, it’s not hard to be the most beautiful creature around when you’re in a band of travelling circus freaks. She’s a woman who’s been afraid of men, because her father is a drunken bastard. Everyone in the circus is in love with her. And I’ve got to say, she’s fine. Old movies have the best looking actresses. Whatever happen to days when a woman didn’t have to look like a heroin addict that spends her spare time sucking doorknobs just to get a movie role. I like glamour. I like a girl I can sit across from and actually order a meal, knowing she’s not just going to pick at a salad and pretend to be interested in what we’re talking about. Joan, you rule. And even though, they rarely show more than half your lower legs, I’d say you’ve got it all, babe. Too bad I was pre-fetal in those days or I’d be all over that. (No, not really, but hey, it’s fun to pretend).

So, here’s the conflict. Chaney is in love with Joan, and the two have a special bond. He’s the only man that she’s not afraid of, because he doesn’t have any arms. Her father, the drunken bastard, resents this bond and so he frequently beats the crap out of the armless man. Why? Cause it’s easy. He’s got no arms, damn it. Tell me, you wouldn’t?! Come on! Well, well, Mr. High-and-Mighty looks like you’re a better man than I.

Anyway, the strongman really wants to wrap his puny arms around Joan, but she turns away from him. Does he get beaten up by the drunkard? No. Because he’s strong. In fact, it’s the strongman who comes to the aid of Lon Chaney when he’s getting housed by the circus owner. So, Lon Chaney, being a gentle armless fellow says he’ll do anything in return for the strongman saving his life. The strongman, of course, asks if Lon Chaney can get Joan to like him. Chaney’s in a tough spot, because he really loves this chick, and she only considers him “a special friend”. If he helps the strongman win the girl, he’ll lose her forever. Chaney goes through with it, though, and gives the strongman advise, half-hoping he’ll blow it (since he is an eternal butthead and infinite doofus) and then she’ll come running back to Chaney’s lack-of-open arms.

Here’s where things get interesting. Lon Chaney really does have arms! And only Cojo, his trusty, lecherous, creepy, weird-ass, pirate midget companion knows the truth. Cojo likes to live vicariously through Chaney, and tries to help him get the chick, so Cojo can dance and smile like a creep whenever they embrace. Chaney is only pretending to be armless (with the help of a too-tight girdle) to evade capture from the police. He’s the guy who wacked the shopkeepers. It’s genius… Strangle somebody, leave fingerprints everywhere, and then have everyone thinking you don’t have arms. It’s the perfect crime. What does he do with the money and stuff? That is, in fact, Unknown. I saw he secretly owns a pro-soccer team or else he’s been investing a lot in clothes from Hot Topic’s upper rack.

You think he’d get out of dodge, but he sticks around for this chick. Now, it’s clear that Lon Chaney is doomed to future villainy. Think about it:

Creepy midget sidekick - Usually, (in the case of Skeletor, Shredder, Gandhi, and that guy on Voltron anyway) a villain has several deformed lackies. Why waste a good deranged midget by staying “good” when you can turn Evil and already have a charter member of your goon squad.

Past Criminal Record - This is before movies had room for the idea of repentance. Even the Shawshank (SP) Redemption wasn’t cool enough to let the lead character have “actually” committed a crime. So, it’s a safe bet in old movies, that if a guy killed somebody before the events of the movie take place, he’s gonna try to do something evil again during the movie. It’s just that way, don’t ask me why.

Black Clothes - Symbolism, people. He has a long, black coat, which we all know is only worn by people who eat babies.

A woman is involved - Women are not only evil, but they make men do evil things. This woman is no exception. Whenever there is one woman and two men, someone turns evil. Look at Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan during the short-lived Miss Elizabeth feud. And it’s not that one person is better than the other, it’s that one just happened to get a little more underhanded than the other before he had the chance to do it himself. Make sense? You can’t tell me that the strongman wouldn’t have crippled Jesus with the Mexican Surfboard if he thought it would get him one up on Chaney. It’s the woman… Evil! Evil! EviL!

So, in order to get with the chick, Lon Chaney would have get close to her. Cojo, short of stature, but well stacked in wisdom, reminds Chaney that he can’t touch her, because she’ll find out that he has arms. Oh, and it gets worse. Her father threatens to kill her, and so Chaney strangles him to death. The girl is distraught and extra-vulnerable. This spells opportunity. (Guys, don’t get any funny ideas about dueling some guy to the death so you can have his daughter… most dads can kick my ass, anyway. Except dad’s I went to school with). So, Chaney gets a wonderful, wonderful, awful, disturbing, sadistic, pretty neat idea.

You guessed it, Player 1, he’s going to Aruba! No, wait, he’s not going to Aruba, he’s going to have his arms chopped off!

Stop the presses! Hold your horses! This man is so crazy (and boy do I mean that literally) about this girl that he’s willing to have his arms chopped off to be with her? Doesn’t anyone else find that to be the sickest, most romantic thing you’ve ever heard? That’s devotion, baby. Screw that diamond pendant! Screw that ‘to death do us part’ crap! This guy lopped off his freakin’ arms to be with this girl! I mean, yeah, she is Joan Crawford, but she’s no Jules Asner, here.

Anyway, Chaney returns from his operation after a month or so of being in bed, hiding away so she wouldn’t know. And while he was away, what do you think happened… It can’t be too hard to guess… This shouldn’t be too hard for you ladies, so don’t strain your brains. Pop quiz is over, pencils down, but feel free to pick up the pencil and stick through the palm of your hand out of frustration after I tell you what happens next for those of you who don’t already know.

It turns out that while Chaney was away, Joan suddenly decided that she was “no longer afraid of men anymore and that she’s bagging the strongman. I used to hate his arms, but now I love them… simply love, love, love them!” And while, she’s telling Chaney all this, Chaney promptly goes criminally insane. And wouldn’t you? He just got his arms chopped off for her, and she just suddenly “decides” she’s not afraid of arms anymore? That no good, two-faced, bargain basement, ho-bag! This right here is the kind of extreme case that makes me feel better about all the oddly similar screw-overs I’ve gotten in my time. Damn! Has anyone ever had more of a reason to maim and kill than poor armless Lon Chaney?

So, oddly/coincidentally, the strongman is practicing a new trick where he holds back wild horse with his “amazing” arms. These horses are on treadmills. He keeps them on the treadmills with brute strength and the treadmills keep them from ripping his arms off. See where this is going? So, Chaney decides to sabotage the machines. He does, and the strongman tries to hold back the horses. Meanwhile, Joan dives in front of the horses to save her man (see how suddenly & mindlessly devoted a woman can be to any hapless dope with muscles, whilst a guy who (although criminally insane) is willing to chop his arms off for her gets sidelined). Chaney, of course, dives in front of the horses to save Joan. Chaney saves her at the expense of his own life. Even after she was a total bitch, he risked his life for her… and what does she immediately do? She runs to the arms of the strongman and they embrace. His arms are okay! And they live happily ever after.

That’s pretty much how it goes. Haven’t all of us lost something or other in the pursuit of a woman… a couple dollars, our favorite shirt, maybe not our arms, but you get the idea. This movie is great, and I suggest all those interested to try to dig it up. It’s the perfect thing to watch if you need a good laugh at goofy Cojo and dumb ass clunky text that shows up between scenes. While this movie is smart and interesting, the dialogue (in text) is crap-tacular. I’d love to produce samples, but my hands are hurting. Don’t worry my sweet sweet limbs, I won’t lop you off for no body. On that note, do you think Chaney was psychotic or just sexuality frustrated? There are some things you just can’t do with you feet (and no, I’m not daring anyone to try it).

Important side-note: Chaney’s character has a real deformity that makes his fingerprints stand out from any others. He has two thumbs on each hand. That’s right, he’s a man with four thumbs pretending to have no arms at all. This is a pretty extraneous plot device, but I guess fingerprinting wasn’t too big in those days… they couldn’t tell who left prints, but they could tell how many thumbs he had. Although one might wonder why bother taking fingering prints if it only serves as a check for extra fingers? Or here’s another question, if Chaney was being identified by extra fingers, why didn’t he have his fingers chopped off instead of his arms? Heh? I guess he didn’t spend his stolen cash on a high school diploma ‘cause this guy’s got serious problems.