Ahh… Movies. You know, there are good movies, and there are bad movies. This movie, however, goes way beyond bad… it somehow manages to be horrible, trite and boring all at the same time. You know how it’s fun to watch Plan 9 from Outer Space because it’s so horrible it’s funny? Well, Pinocchio’s Revenge isn’t horrible in an interesting or funny sort of way, it just sucks. I’m telling you that right off the bat. Don’t watch this movie unless Jesus Christ himself tells you to. Even then you should give him a noogie for subjecting you to the ineffably mundane PR. But for me, gentle reader, alas, it is too late. I have seen it, and I have no choice but to share my misery. Look on my review ye mighty, and weep.

Synopsis: Ok, I’m doing this from memory because there’s no way in heaven or hell that I’m ever, ever, eeeeevvvverrrrr gonna sit through this movie again. In fact I’ve put off writing this because the mere thought of the movie makes me bored enough to weep. So please forgive my shoddy memory. Or don’t… do as you please.

Ok, some old man is put to death for murdering babies, ok? He’s a puppet maker, and his puppet’s name is Pinocchio. Oh how original. My god, you direct-to-video movie people are lamer than my gimpy uncle Gimpy. His lawyer is some caring, special lady who’s somehow the star. She will henceforth be referred to as Lawyer Mom. She doesn’t have much in the way of personality or anything, but the same is true of everyone else in the movie. She’s got some psychopathic little kid (Crazy Kid) who bites people at school. And her boyfriend wears pink and acts like a sissy.

See, so much potential for humor, or drama or… anything!!! But do the producers do anything with it? Nope, course not. That would take effort. The old man is executed and mom brings home his puppet Pinocchio and lets her little brat have him as a birthday present. Yes, the puppet is crime evidence, but, eh… plot holes, eh… story that makes sense, eh. Crazy Kid forms an unhealthy attachment to Pinocchio, and together they plot the downfall of everyone who’s ever been mean to her.

God how utterly boring this movie was. I’m not dignifying it with a long review. The stupid doll possesses Crazy Kid and kills people off. Actually no, that’s not it, that’s not it. People get mortally wounded by the toy from hell. No, that’s not it, that’s not it. People fall down stairs and get minor injuries and the stupid doll did it. Ah… that’s it. The back of the movie promised “glee-filled bloodshed.” I see no glee. I see no bloodshed. I just see people tripping. Everyone suspects Crazy Kid because she tells everyone that Pinocchio is responsible for the “mayhem.” She gets sent to a psych ward, and justifiably so. She is crazy after all. But Lawyer Mom refuses to believe that there’s anything wrong with her child, even if Crazy Kid spazzes out and yells and tells everyone that her dolly wants to kill them.

There’s a big climactic scene where Lawyer Mom defeats Pinocchio and Crazy Kid. It wasn’t noteworthy in any way except for the fact that it signaled the end of this steaming poo that dares call itself a film. No, there’s no explanation for any of this garbage. It just ends with Lawyer Mom being pouty and Crazy Kid rotting away in a dank, foul cellar. But the big question is, was Pinocchio really hurting people or was Crazy Kid just using the doll as an excuse to act out all her hateful fantasies? Kind of like the Turn of the Screw without being the least bit interesting.

I’ve got a bone to pick with the special effects man. The world’s laziest special effects man. See Pinocchio never actually moves. Whenever he talks, you just hear him talking, his mouth doesn’t move. And someone holding the doll and shaking it is supposed to represent it “running.” Oh yeah, the end fight scene was the worst. Anyone remember the Ed Wood movie where Bela Lugosi fights a big octopus? It can’t move or anything so he sort of shakes it around and pretends it’s killing him. Same deal here. Lawyer Mom thrashes around while holding the doll, and we’re supposed to imagine that it’s trying to murder her. Mr. Special Effects Man, you should be ashamed. There was nothing special about your effects. As a matter of fact, I deem them rather unspecial.
Hang on kids, there is one redeeming quality in this video!!! That’s right I said I liked something. Well… what I really mean is that there is a microscopic saving grace that prevented me from having Hazzard piss on the movie before returning it to the video store. There are two very interesting side characters, who, as far as I know remain unnamed. There’s Dorky Priest™ and Psychotic Killer©. Dorky Priest is there to offer spiritual guidance to Lawyer Mom, but all he ever says is “gee golly” and “I never thought of that.” I doubt he’s capable of tying his shoes without assistance, let alone saving any souls. Daaaar. Psycho Killer makes a brief unexplained appearance as one of Lawyer Mom’s clients. He looks like a biker Methuselah, he’s got 2 teeth and a wicked creepy laugh. He kills people and makes recordings of their dying screams. They should have made a movie about him instead. But no, he makes a cameo and he’s gone. No, nothing in this movie makes sense. It was hard for me to deal with at first too, but I eventually just accepted it..

Bottom Line: I thought I already told you, this is a god-awful waste of a Saturday night. Were any of you readers having fun last Saturday? “Partying” “Rolling on ‘e’?” “Fornicating?” No? Well even if you were passing a kidney stone or having a vasectomy, you were probably having more fun than me. Do not waste your time. I’m warning you. Rent this and you will get really bored and write a lousy article like I did. Gah.

This gets 0 out of 5 monkeys. Suck on potted meat Pinocchio.

-Future

What other staff members think:
Warhol: I once made a 6-hour film of a man sleeping, and it got better reviews than Pinocchio’s Revenge. Yes I am a genius, thank you oh-so much.

Hazzard: I’m un-retiring for to let you know that this movie is a hemorrhoid on the shit-spewing ass of the world. Okay, I’m re-retired now.

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IMDb Info

Yep i saw this piece of s*** to. Not really expecting it to be good but just for a laugh and to see what the hell this director was thinking when making this film. I didnt really laugh, well i did because i really didnt know what was going on or atleast cared. I have to agree the special effects guy was a dud. For f*** sake i would be to if i was to be put on special effects for this film. I still dont get why they would bother making such a s*** film. Did they actually think people would get scared or like it. The best part well few seconds was the chick in the shower. I’ll give u that. At the end you really have to think to yourself there was only two reasons you borrowed this 1 for a laugh and 2 what kind of d******* would make a film about Pinocchio. Someone would have to pay me to watch it again or to atleast give it a half cause this seriously would be in my top s*** films.