He he he, oh I love dealing with government agencies.  So, some of you may know of Hollywood’s past issues with the NY and CA DMVs.  Hopefully one day he will be healed enough to write an article about it.  Well, here’s my glorious recent experience with the CA DMV.

I turned 25 this year, which means it’s license renewal year for us lucky folks who got our licenses at the age of 16.  This also means it’s my second time renewing my license; I renewed it when I was 20, from NY where I was going to school.  That went by without a hitch.  I got my notice, mailed my form and my $15 check, and voila! About 4 weeks later I got my new license (and I was even in NY, so the renewal was forwarded by my mom, then the license had to be forwarded by my mom, and I still got it in about 4 weeks).  Ah the days . . .

So, in March I got a renewal notice.  It said I could renew by mail, I thought great!  Despite the fact that I live across the street from the DMV (I’m not kidding), I will mail it in with my $24 check and thus avoid the hassle and the lines.  And they discourage you from showing up in person anyway unless you absolutely have to.  So I mailed it in March, and patiently waited . . . and waited . . . and waited.  My birthday rolled around in May, and I thought.  Hmmm, my license is now expired.  But that’s ok, it’s only the card that’s expired, seeing as they cashed my check (on April 8th), the paperwork must have gone through, so I’m sure it’s in the mail.  At this point it had only been 4 weeks since they cashed the check, and I figured I could be patient since I wasn’t really driving anywhere. 

So in late May I try to buy alcohol in my local Safeway.  The guy looks at me, looks at the card, and says “Uh, this is expired, I can’t take this.” I’m thinking, its obviously me, and just because the card is expired doesn’t mean I wasn’t born in 1979 like it says; but instead I say, “That’s ok, he’s buying anyway” and they card Hollywood instead.

So I call the 800 number for the CA DMV, and its busy.  I try at various times for two days, and finally get through only to have the battery on my cordless phone die while I’m working my way through the extensive menus.  I pop it on the charger and grab my cell phone, which tells me I can’t complete the call to that number for some reason.  Anyway, I wait until the next day, and spend 45 minutes trying to get through.  I finally get a live person, this is the conversation:

Me:  Uh, yeah, I sent in my renewal form in March and the check cleared in April and its now June and I haven’t gotten my card yet.

DMV guy: Ok, what’s your driver’s license number?

I give it to him.

DMV guy:  Yeah, ok, does your name on your social security card match the name on your driver’s license?

Me:  Well, yeah, I’m pretty sure . . . let me check.  Well, it says “Hathyr R. Agoddess” on the social security card and “Hathyr Reallyis Agoddess” on my driver’s license.

DMV guy:  Well, that’s the problem, it needs to match exactly.  Its part of the new system.

Me: Ok . . . uh, how do I fix it? 

DMV guy: You need to either get your name changed with social security or take your card to the DMV and get it cleared up in person.

So, I make an appointment with the DMV, cuz they really want you to use their new spiffy appointment making program.  Meanwhile I’m thinking that this is somebody’s idea of increased national security despite the fact that I had to produce a birth certificate at 16 to get the damn thing, and I have already renewed the thing once.  So, how exactly is this helping?  Nobody else seems to think there is a problem with shortening my middle name to an initial, in fact most places really only want the initial.  I’m also thinking, a form letter explaining the problem would have been nice.  Any sort of letter saying there was a problem would have been nice.  Apparently the DMV is not into being nice.

One and a half weeks later:  I walk across the street to the DMV and walk up to the counter at my appointment time.  I am quickly told that I need to fill out the renewal form [Didn’t I do this already?].  I fill it out, explain the problem, and produce my social security card.  This is the conversation:

Me: I was told that if I brought in the card everything would be cleared up.

DMV lady:  Its still not going through to Social Security.

Me: What does that mean?

DMV lady: Well, the name isn’t matching at Social Security, so there is nothing I can do.  On your card it looks like there is a space where there shouldn’t be one, see here? “Hathyr R. Agodd Ess” while on your driver’s license its written as “Hathyr Reallyis A Goddess.” So that’s the problem.  How is it written on your birth certificate?

Me:  However it is on the driver’s license.

DMV lady: You’ll have to take your birth certificate to Social Security and get it fixed, then.

Me:  After I get it fixed, then what?  Do I need to come back here?

DMV lady: No, it’ll go through, just call the 800 number to check.

So I call my mom and ask her to overnight me my birth certificate.  Meanwhile, I go and start my new summer job [Wanna take a survey, anyone?].  I also decide to be smart, and I look up all info I can at the SSA website and I call their 800 number.  This is that conversation:

Me:  Yeah, my driver’s license renewal isn’t going through because of how my name is on file at social security. I was wondering how exactly it is written on file so I know how to fix it.

Really Bored SSA girl: Whats your SS number?

I give her the pertinent info.

Really Bored SSA girl:  How is it on your card and on your license.

I tell her.

Really Bored SSA girl:  Well, then, its different, isn’t it.

Me:  How do I fix it? [thinking: thanks, that was incredibly helpful, and you answered my questions wonderfully]

Really Bored SSA girl: Fill out form __ and bring in proof of identity.

Me: Like my birth certificate?

Really Bored SSA girl:  No, we can’t take a birth certificate, it has to be a picture ID.  Like a driver’s license or a passport.

Me: Ok, my driver’s license is expired, that’s the whole problem, will they take an expired license? [Thinking: I’d better cancel that FedEx from mom then, eh?]

Really Bored SSA girl:  Yep, no problem.

So, fast forward one week.  It is now July.  I have downloaded and filled out the appropriate form, have located any picture ID with my full legal name on it [an expired passport and an expired driver’s license] and have printed out directions and operating hours for the local SSA office.  Off Hollywood and I go to visit our friendly SSA people.

We only have to wait 20-30 minutes, and I am met with an incredibly friendly and helpful woman.  She looks up my name, and tells me my middle name is spelled out fully, so that’s not the problem.  It looks like it’s a space issue: there is no space in my last name in the social security database, but there is one on my driver’s license.  It gets fixed, she double checks it with me, and tells me I’ll get a new card in 2 weeks.  Plus I get a printout of my corrected name with her signature on it.  Yay, I’m happy now.  Its almost over!  Or so I think. 

I get home and call the DMV 800 number, and actually get through on the first try.  I explain the situation, and ask what I have to do next.  I am told that I have to bring my new Social Security card to the DMV office and have them resubmit my renewal form.  I am told that there is no way he can do it over the phone.  I’m thinking, while I’m at it I’m going to print off proof that I’ve already paid for this damn thing, cuz the next thing you know they’re going to tell me I owe them $24.

So, fast forward yet another week.  This time without an appointment I walk over to the DMV at 8:30am thinking, since there were only 5 people there last time, it’ll be the same this time.  Wrong.  There are 20 people ahead of me, and I need to catch a bus to work in an hour.  Luckily, at this DMV they rush people with driver’s license applications or renewals through, so I only had to wait behind two people.  This is that conversation.

Friendly DMV guy: How can I help you today?  [really, he did say that]

Me: Ok, this is the story . . . [I give him shortest version possible] . . .and I have proof that I paid, so it better be in the computer that I don’t owe any money.

Him: Ok, lets see what we’ve got here. [he prints something out, reads it, looks at me, looks at the printout, looks back at me] Uh . . . I don’t know what this means, hang on.

He goes and finds a supervisor, they puzzle over it a minute.  I show them proof that I went to Social Security [thank you nice SSA lady!] They come back.

Me to Supervisor: There was a spacing issue in my name; there is a space in the DMV records and there wasn’t at SSA.

Supervisor: No, there isn’t a space in the DMV records.

Me: Uh, there is on my license.

Supervisor: Well, that’s an older record.  [ok! Hang on a minute here! Older record! You have to jump through hoops to get anything changed with the DMV.  It had better be the same as it was when I brought in my birth certificate ten years ago! But, whatever]

Supervisor to Friendly DMV guy: Well, she’s already been to SSA, so call Sacramento and get her records released.

Friendly DMV guy to me: Ok, this will take a minute, what’s your SS number again?

I wait patiently while he is on the phone with Sacramento.  He comes back after about 5 minutes.

Him: Ok, everything is set.

Me: Uh, really? 

Him: Yeah, that’s what they told me. [not a good sign, if you ask me]

Me: Ok, cuz if the new license doesn’t show up in a couple of weeks, I know who to come looking for.  How long before the new card is supposed to come?

Him: Sacramento said 2-3 weeks, but I think I’m gonna tell you 3-5 so you don’t come looking for me any sooner.  [Yay, I finally got through to someone how frustrating this is] Would you like a temporary license?

Me: No I already have one thank you.

Him: Are you sure?  Here have another one, the expiration date will be later.

So, I walk out of there with another temp license, and hope that it has finally been cleared up.  I should be able to buy alcohol again in a few weeks. 

At the end of the day I discover a letter from the DMV, dated June 30.  It tells me that there is a problem with my license renewal; something doesn’t match with SSA.  Better late than never right?  Of course, it does clear up some confusion.  There is indeed a space on record with the DMV, but they have my name like this:
First: Hathyr
Middle: Reallyis A
Last: Goddess

Hence all the screw-ups.  It was all their fault to begin with.  Now, what do I do with the form?  Send it back to them corrected and worry that something new is going to get messed up?  I think I’ll sit on it for 5 years until my next renewal comes along.  At least then I’ll know what the problem is.

--hathyr

Amazingly enough, the DMV came through.  I received my new license a week and one day after I was told everything was cleared up.  And I promptly went out and bought alcohol.

because, at this point you really f****** needed it!!!

Ah the lovely DMV!

b-

Yes, I can attest to the horrors of working with the DMV.  Talk about terrorism!  The DMV can strike shock and awe into even the most fearsome of men.

What I do not understand is why we Americans put up with this Unconstitutional Crap! Talk about Organized Crime and Domestic Terrorism! What happened to “We The People”?

LOL… I work at the Sac DMV and it’s not any easier for me!  I feel yer pain, my brotha!